by Paula Sankelo
I remember the first time I met both Ann and yourself. It was a parent-teacher night at junior high, probably the first one in 7th grade, and there was coffee and some sweet stuff for sale. I had been signed up to sell coffee. You and Ann bought something from me - as I recall, maybe Ann had coffee and you had tea?
I already knew Liana, but I didn't know then you were Liana's parents. Ann had longish hair, reaching down to her shoulders, and she was wearing something colorful, maybe in South American style. You also had a long hair, of course, and a long beard. Meeting you both then, I didn't realize Ann had had a stroke. She was standing up and walking in the coffee line, and because my own English wasn't fluent, I didn't think anything special about her English. I remember thinking she was very different from the average Finnish parents, but I thought the same thing about you. To me, you both looked interesting and special. I was happy to learn you were Liana's parents, because I already knew I'd want to be friends with Liana.
When I started visiting your home, and got to know Ann better, I heard about the stroke and the speech difficulties she had. However, I didn't think it was difficult to communicate with Ann, because I was not very good at English myself. To a non-native English speaker, it was actually kind of a benefit that she spoke slowly and clearly, and with short simple sentences. In that way, I always felt it was easy to talk with Ann, but of course it was also because she was so kind and approachable. You both always made me feel welcome to your home, and it never looked like you were bothered to have Liana's friends around. My initial impression was confirmed: you were different from the other friends' parents I had met so far, and different in a good way.
The really nice thing about Ann was that she met even a young person on a level ground, as it were. Even as a teenager I remember her showing me the same kind of consideration, and the same kind of interest, as to an adult. I wasn't used to this at that point, I was used to adults talking a bit down to kids. I actually sometimes just hung out with Ann, when you and Liana were not at home. I remember playing chess with her sometimes, and sometimes she even won, although I tried my best. But I did need to remind her about rules sometimes, and I recall we even had some arguments about the rules... I didn't tell Liana about the chess at the time, and now she found out.
Ann made really nice and kind compliments to people, and because it took her some time and effort to deliver the compliment, I felt she really meant then. She was paying attention to a lot of detail, and she would notice and compliment something when she genuinely found it beautiful, or interesting, or well made. She often said something nice to me: about my hair, my handwriting, my dress, or something like that. Not just as a routine chit-chat, but in a way that made me feel like she really saw me. I also remember how Ann was clever guessing things about people. For example, I remember how she was good at guessing children's age, probably because she really paid attention to them.
I remember how Ann used to enjoy good food, and how she was always so hospitable. I remember her puttering around in the kitchen, doing some of the cooking herself, if she could to it one-handed. And often when there was food on the stove, she would periodically go and check it, and maybe add more spices. I thought it was amazing how she could eat such spicy food! I remember Liana telling me how she once put a dry chili pepper on a slice of pizza and ate it, but I never saw that happen. When we met you in Ireland, I remember how she brought me a really good take-away coffee from some coffee kiosk that had excellent coffee.
It was always nice to play games with Ann, because I felt she was really enjoying it too. Besides the private chess, I remember playing a lot of Boggle, and some card games. When we were travelling to China, you tried to teach me bridge, so that the four of us could play together, but I think I didn't learn.
There are a lot of things I remember about Ann and our trip to China. I remember how she got sunburn in her thighs in China, because her legs were facing the sun directly when she was sitting in the wheelchair wearing shorts. She was cross and irritable about the sunburn for a while. I remember how she sometimes would understand some Chinese in a surprising way, or rather in a way that was surprising to you and Liana - I didn't really know what to expect. Once in China she looked at a written poster or a billboard, and you asked her if she understood what the writing was about. She said it was about one child policy, and she was right, that's what it was about. Also I remember one temple, where there were a lot of swallows, and she said that word: swallows. You and Liana cheered her, when she said "swallows", and not just "birds". I think that was the time when I learned the English word "swallows" for those birds, so I actually learned that word from her.
I remember when we were in Tarto, and you and Ann were staying with Aivar and Pille Aetmaa. Liana, Anna and I were staying at the empty school, and you let us stay there and have our own adventures in Tarto, which was great. Ann was really good with communicating with Aivar and Pille and their son. (Now that I think about it, maybe it was actually the son who was called Aivar or Alvar, and Pille's husband was called something else?). I don't think Pille's English was very good, and Ann got through to her with gestures and with perseverance. I also remember that we went on a long walk in Tarto on a really hot day, and in the evening we played frisbee. Ann tried to catch a frisbee that was thrown from far away, and the frisbee hit her paralyzed arm. She cried for a while, and Liana was upset, but soon afterwards Ann was OK.
When travelling in China, and even more so in Texas, it was amazing to me how she could keep up and participate in all kinds of very physical activities: sleep in a tent, stay at all kinds of camping grounds with elementary facilities, go rafting with us in the Big Bend... She didn't seem to mind sitting in the car, either, for long stretches of time, as long as there was always something new and interesting to see. And if we went somewhere she couldn't follow, she would stay behind in her wheelchair, and she would surely find someone to talk to. She seemed to be able to have a pleasant time almost everywhere. But when we spent the night in a tent in a forest somewhere near the Helsinki-Vantaa airport, I remember she didn't like that, because there were so many mosquitoes that she hated to go and pee in the middle of them.
All in all, I remember Ann as really kind and caring, a nice person to be with. I remember once, when our friend Anna Jokiranta came across the word "benevolent" in a text somewhere, and we didn't know its meaning. Liana explained the word, and wanted to give an example. She said: My mom is benevolent. That was also the time when I learned the word "benevolent". This happened more than 25 years ago, and still every time I see or hear the word "benevolent", it brings an image of Ann into my mind, and also an image of Liana smiling fondly when she gave Ann as a definition of benevolent.
Like I told Liana, I don't really know how to wish Ann anything at this point, because I don't believe in life after death, and Liana tells me she wasn't religious either. But I wish you strength now that you are missing her, and I hope you will have all the comfort and solace you need now. I think Ann had an interesting and full life, and what Liana told me about her death sounded beautiful to me: to die at home, without pain, with her life's companion nearby, and without any long period of suffering in the end. I am glad this is how she died, and I am glad you and Liana could keep her for as long as you did. I hope you're doing as well as possible in the circumstances!